Oscar Oscar Oscar

No one expects the Oscar telecast to be especially entertaining, and they rarely disappoint. We just want to see the winners. I thought this year's telecast was okay. I've certainly seen worse. They had a lot of time-saving cuts, which was great, but then wasted time in other ways, which was insane. Is three hours not long enough to give out a handful of awards? As for the awards, there was only one surprise, and it was a small one.

First we had the top ten actors come out and take a bow. Why? Then Neil Patrick Harris opened with a big production number about how no one wants to do it alone. Ironically, Martin Short was supposed to work with Harris, but had to cancel at the last second. It wasn't much of a number, and I thought the lyric was unnecessarily racy. Then Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin came out to demonstrate whether or not we should do it alone. (How about a few second of Jerry Lewis, so we could have had Martin And Lewis one last time?)

Martin and Baldwin were fine. I'm not sure if they're getting great reviews, but they had some good gags. They didn't draw blood--usually that's a bad thing, but movie people take themselves so seriously they'd be pouting all night otherwise. (Speaking of which, was something wrong with George Clooney last night? Every time they cut to him he seemed to be out of sorts.)

As always, the top nominees were seated in the front. All the Precious people seemed to be on the side near the back. That wasn't a smart idea. Competitors and ex-spouses James Cameron and Kathryn Bigelow were one row apart--I liked that. (I hadn't seen Cameron's wife Suzy Amis in years. Some commentators said she looked anorexic. I don't know--this is Hollywood, where you can't be too thin. Cameron threw aside Bigelow, and I suppose that keeps Amis on her toes. Speaking of weight, Forest Whitaker, who came out near the end, has definitely lost a lot of it.)

Christoph Walz won the first Oscar. No surprise. The only surprise is he was nominated for supporting actor when he should have won for lead. It looked like it might be a night for Inglourious Basterds, but instead this was it. QT still doesn't quite fit in with the Hollywood crowd. He's probably more comfortable at Cannes anyway. On the other hand, a few months ago it looked like this would be the night for Up In The Air, but boy did the air go out of that balloon fast. Jason Reitman seems to invite backlash. He makes small, delightful films which get great reviews--critics seem hurt afterward, as if they were fooled into liking it.

Up won for animated feature. How could it not? It's the only one in the category nominated for Best Picture?

As I (and everyone) predicted, the crappy, generic "The Weary Kind" won as best song. But this is great news, the best I've heard on the Oscars in decades--we won't have to sit through five performances for Best Song. For years I've been saying the best thing they could do is cut them all out (or do them in a two-minute medley). Those five songs take about a half hour, including commercials. I mean there are only so many bathroom breaks you can take during the show.

Unfortunately, with ten films nominated for Best Picture, each one got a little introduction and showcase. Cut those out too, if you can. Back in the days before video and cable, it was fun to learn a little bit about the film if you hadn't caught it in theatres, but now just say the name and move on.

For original screenplay, The Hurt Locker. Bad choice--there were tense scenes, but it didn't really hold together all that well and it didn't create great characters--but no surprise. This strongly suggests it's gonna be a big night for Hurt Locker, which has now got to be the favorite for Best Picture.

By the way, they gave out screenplay awards by reading from the screenplay, showing it onscreen, and showing the scenes from the film--good move.

John Hughes gets a tribute. Not a bad idea, even if it went on a bit long. They bring back a lot of the teen actors from his movies, and make sure to show excerpts from his films with Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin. The best line is Matthew Broderick's, who said thanks to Hughes, not a day goes by when someone doesn't tap him on the shoulder and say Hey Ferris, Is This Your Day Off?

We go through the short films. These are worthy awards, but let's face it, they're not ready for prime time. Occasionally you get nutty political announcements to liven things up. Not tonight, where everyone was fairly calm.

Ben Stiller did a decent bit about makeup. There weren't too many outrageous comedy bits, which is fine by me. Tina Fey was funny, Steve Carrell was funny, and a few more were okay, but really, I'd just as soon they keep things moving.

For adapted Screenplay, Precious. This means two things. First, Precious is arguably in the running for Best Picture. Second, no one gives a damn about Up In The Air. Oh yeah, a third thing--the Academy has no taste.

By the way, it seemed whenever Precious won, they'd put any black face from the audience on screen, whether they worked on the movie or not. Haven't we moved beyond this?

If there was a lock of the night, it was Mo'Nique, and sure enough she wins for Best Supporting Actress. She thanked the Academy for showing it's about the performance, not the politics. I agree with this sentiment, but 1) it's not very gracious for the winner to say it's about the performance and 2) Mo'Nique deserved to win, but if there was a political way to vote, it was for her.

Art direction, costume, sound, blah blah blah. At least most of the winners gave quick, gracious speeches. Actually, they had to. A few tried to go long and were cut off unceremoniously. If there were two Oscar winners for on category, you better be the first to speak, because that's all you get. Sometimes they cut away while the winners were shoved offstage.

Let me note a few other great time-saving devices. Best of all, there were a lot of special Oscars awarded to very deserving people--John Calley, Roger Corman, Lauren Bacall, etc.--but they were all given away at a separate event. We watched some of the ceremony, flashed to the winners sitting in the audience, and that was it. Excellent. These honorary Oscars are an excuse to bloviate and, by their very nature, lack suspense.

They did have the tribute to dead people, which is fitting, I suppose. Introduced by Demi Moore (who lost her Ghost costar Patrick Swayze), we saw many names and faces while James Taylor sang "In My Life." Well, we saw most of the names. Rather than flashing it all on the TV screen from the start, they started with a long shot of Taylor singing and the faces behind him, far enough away you couldn't read who it was. They made the same mistake last year. By the way, the words to "In My Life" don't really fit. Also, we heard occasional lines from movies by the writers being honored. This included the line from Horton Foote's screenplay for To Kill A Mockingbird: "Stand up, your father is passing." This line grates more with each year--I'm surprised they chose it.

There was also a tribute to horror movies. At least it went fast, but was it necessary? I did enjoy the Martin/Baldwin parody of Paranormal Activity.

Anyway, just when it looks like things are moving well, they have a tribute to all five scores, accompanied by abstract dancing. We cut the songs just so we could have this?

Best score went to Michael Giacchino for Up. He didn't deserve it, but he wrote the score for Lost, so I'll look the other way.

Visual effects, editing--Avatar is winning a few technical awards, but then, so it Hurt Locker. I don't see how Hurt Locker can lose to Avatar now.

Okay, we're finally getting to the big awards, and it looks almost possible they'll finish on time.

The Cove wins for documentary. Expected. I didn't realize Fisher Stevens was behind it. Just when his co-producer looked ready to make a big speech (I bet it was gonna be political) the show cut him off. Bravo. This is a documentary--you're lucky to be seen anywhere outside PBS.

Foreign film--not The White Ribbon, or even The Prophet, but Argentina's El Secreto de Sus Ojos. This was the one true surprise of the night. But even then it wasn't a big surprise. A few years ago they changed the rules, and only Academy members who see all five nominees can vote in this category. Since then, a lot of favorites have gone down in flames, as the Oscar goes to the film that actually entertains, rather than the one with the reputation. (Also, not unlike the Documentary Oscar, it sometimes seem the Academy wants to award the film that needs it, not one that's already done well.)

The guy who accepts makes a decent joke--he thanks the Academy for not declaring Na'Vi a foreign language. No one laughs. I'm not sure if they got it--he had a heavy foreign accent and you don't expect gags from foreign language film winners. I guess it's better than Michael Haneke winning for The White Ribbon--I could see him haranguing Hollywood for whatever moral issues are on his minid lately.

The home stretch, and the producers of the show make the biggest mistake of the night. For Best Actor and Actress, they bring up ten separate people--mostly big names--who tell tales about how wonderful and talented each and every nominee is. This is time for the cavalry charge, not a tea break. I don't know how much extra time this added, but it felt like an hour. Save it for the Barbara Walters special.

To no one's surprise, Jeff Bridges won. He certainly deserved one somewhere along the line, if not for this particular film. He gave a nice, heartfelt speech.

To few people's surprise, Sandra Bullock won. She gave a nice speech too, and there's Leigh Anne Tuohy, the women she portrayed, in the audience.

All the acting winners are first timers. Most of them first-time nominated.

Now out comes Barbra Streisand, who's won Oscars, but never for directing. I think she foresaw what was gonna happen and wanted to be there. (There seemed to be less star power than usual last night--I'm sure they were thrilled to get Babs.)

Sure enough, Kathyrn Bigelow wins Best Director. Why not. As I've stated before, not only is Bigelow talented, she's beautiful. It's surprising she spent her career behind the camera. She gave a nice, self-effacing speech (no "I'm king of the world" for her) and honored our soldiers fighting overseas.

She wss whooshed offstage and (just like the sound guy from Hurt Locker who won two awards) has to come right back when her film won Best Picture, its sixth award of the night. Tom Hanks just opened the envelope and read the winner. Good for him. Good for him. We had to sit through ten recaps during the show, I didn't need to hear those names again. (By the way, I believe they called them "winners"--none of that "The Oscar goes to" nonsense.)

It's not that surprising Hurt Locker won Best Picture. The single best predictor is which film gets the most nominations, and it tied Avatar with nine, generally in more prestigious categories. The only somewhat unusual factor is it made so little money. Best Picture winners don't have to be blockbusters, but they're usually hits. I guess for a film this small, it was a minor hit. Meanwhile, a hundred million Avatar fans are saying "The what Locker?"

Another thing worth noting: all the top winners--actors, writers, director, producers--won for what seemed to be a labor of love. Conventional major Hollywood pictures for which everyone had great expectations didn't really figure this year.

Steve Martin says the broadcast took so long, Avatar is now set in the past. Okay, the show is over. Can you please open up the streets again?