Brand X

Of all the movie remakes on the horizon, the most ill-advised (and aren't they all?) looks like Arthur, starring Russell Brand in the title role and Helen Mirren as his trusted employee. Yes, it's been thirty years since the original, but what made that work probably can't be re-created.

The first Arthur--a surprise hit--was a bit of a throwback: a romantic comedy focusing on a madcap rich heir who drinks too much. (That'll be the first thing to go--making fun of alcoholism was tricky enough then.) The plot works, if you don't take it too seriously, and the lead performances, especially from Dudley Moore and John Gielgud--the latter winning an Oscar--are great.  But what really makes the movie are the amazing gag lines. The original Arthur was written and directed by Steve Gordon, a not-especially-distinguished TV comedy writer who made the transition to the big screen look like the easiest thing in the world. (He then foolishly died very young the next year.)

I assume the remake will not use too many of the old lines--you can't tell a joke twice. But without them, it means they'll have to come up with new stuff.  What are the odds it'll equal the old?  Not good, based on the trailer:



The casting seems uninspired.  I don't like Brand in general, though I'm willing to be surprised.  Helen Mirren seems like a mistake, and, in any case, no one can top Gielgud who, as Arthur's valet Hobson, gets a laugh with practically every line. (BTW, one of the most common notes writers get in Hollywood is "how about making this character a female?"--this almost never makes a script better, but is something to say when you don't have any real ideas.)

To this day I quote the original.  One line is so famous it's become a cliche: when Arthur tells Hobson he's going to take a bath, Hobson replies "I'll alert the media." Here are a few others, though I admit some of them lose their snap if you don't hear John Gielgud's dry delivery:

Susan: A real woman could stop you from drinking.
Arthur: It'd have to be a real BIG woman.

Arthur: You're a hooker? I thought I was doing GREAT with you!

Hobson: Thrilling to meet you, Gloria.
Gloria: Hi.
Hobson: Yes... You obviously have a wonderful economy with words, Gloria. I look forward to your next syllable with great eagerness.

Hobson: Thank you for a memorable afternoon, usually one must go to a bowling alley to meet a woman of your stature.

Arthur: It's terribly small, tiny little country. Rhode Island could beat the crap out of it in a war. THAT'S how small it is...They recently had the whole country carpeted.  This is NOT a big place.

Arthur: What are you doing later tonight?
Linda: Oh, I have plans for tonight. What should I wear?
Hobson: Steal something casual.

Burt Johnson: I never drink. No one in my family ever drinks.
Arthur: That's great! You've probably never run out of ice your whole life!

Woman: MY HUSBAND HAS A GUN!
Arthur: I'm sure he does, madam. For all I know, he shot it while you screamed.

Gloria: My mother died when I was six.
Arthur: Son of a bitch! Don't they know what that does to kids?
Gloria: My father raped me when I was twelve.
Arthur: So, you had six relatively good years.